I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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