His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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