I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
