I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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