Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
two words...techno handjob
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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