So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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