Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
