omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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