Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
