I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
