What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
