I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
