if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
