when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
