we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Randomize
