tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
