if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
