3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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