mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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