She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
