He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
