I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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