the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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