My nipple is on Facebook.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
