Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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