Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
