The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize