had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize