im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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