I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize