Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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