So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
