we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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