I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
