Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
