i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Mom said you looked used
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
