I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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