I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
