The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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