ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
