So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
