Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
