My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
