I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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