i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
