I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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