Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
