On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
