I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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