Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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