I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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