She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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