The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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