i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
