I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize