just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize