i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
