I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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