I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
