I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
