you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
