Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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