Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
