did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
