ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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