I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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